I'm anxiously waiting for the day Emily starts smiling on a regular basis. She smiles here and there but most of the time they last a split second and seem accidental or gas related. I can tell she's practicing her facial expressions and those big gummy grins are just waiting to surface. She is starting to coo and babble more in response to us talking to her and she continues to study our faces with very intense baby concentration, hehe.
This morning around 3AM (after seven straight hours of sleep) I was rocking her back to sleep when she started staring at the ceiling and chuckling for almost a full minute! I believe her guardian angel or great grandparents were adoring her.
She is really starting to get too tall for her pack and play bassinet where she currently sleeps. She's outgrown all her teeny tiny onsies and now wears 3 months size outfits and jammies. They're a little loose but she'll grow into them in no time!
Ready for bed after a nice warm bath!
She may look like Daddy but she got Mommy's stink eye stare.....muhahahaha
Holy double chin batman! Please excuse my hair....Hubby didn't wake me for this precious shot
I really don't know what we would've done without Dr. Karp's 5 S's and I don't remember how we used to get Emily to calm down and sleep when she was fussy. My favorite lines from the book and great advice for new parents:
"Be Flexible: It's much better to bend than to snap."
"You just have to accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue."
"Accept that the clock on your wall has temporarily been transformed from a time-management tool to a decoration."
My mom came over for her weekly visit yesterday and we took Emily out for lunch and went shopping afterwards. We also stopped by the market and took the dogs out for a walk when we got home. New moms who have help from their moms every day are SO LUCKY. There's nothing in the world like a grandmother's love. I look forward to Tuesdays every week. While out, I did my first public bathroom diaper change and it wasn't as bad as I was dreading. But then again, it was at Nordstrom which is the best and probably cleanest family restroom ever. I will probably track down the nearest Nordstrom every time I am out with Emily from now on!
Emily's schedule is still somewhat unpredictable. She has her sleepy days and her awake days. On her sleepy days I try to get stuff done around the house and on her awake days, I feel defeated by the negligence of every day tasks. But I'd much rather play with my daughter than do chores!! How will life be with two kids??
I'm making an effort again to cook dinner every night. I had to resort back to weekend grocery shopping which I used to avoid because of the crowd. The Korean market on a Sunday afternoon is NOT pleasant with everyone and their moms trying to get their shopping done for the week as well. There's nothing more aggravating than getting cart rammed by impatient Korean ladies who have no regard for personal space. Dinner at the Han house is usually Korean food but now it's whatever is easiest and fastest to prepare so I bought a bunch of ready to serve frozen dinners from Ralphs for this week. While in the freezer section, I picked up some Healthy Choice meals for myself in an effort to jumpstart my pregnancy weight loss plan. But I have to wonder, how healthy of a choice is it when I have to eat two just to stop my stomach from growling?! Pregnancy weight loss to be continued...
I follow HelloBee religiously. I discovered her weddling blog during wedding planning and now she has a great site for parenting. I really liked her post on meal planning and am considering implementing it at our house. And how cute it this printable meal planner? It will help me stay focused when I grocery shop since I'm trying to practice pinching our pennies. I'm a reckless grocery shopper, especially when I go the market hungry. Time to focus!!!
I started thinking this weekend about...me. More specifically, what my purpose is. I play many roles: wife, new mom, daughter, sister, friend and possibly more? But what is my purpose and goal in life? Why am I here? The more I thought about it, the more I craved an answer. I am so happy with my life and feel so blessed but I can't shake this nagging feeling that I need to find something I'm passionate about that satisfies me professionally. I never had a specific answer when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wasn't 100% profession or career oriented while I sort of floated through high school and college. I majored in psychology but really, what was I going to do with that? I chose that as my major because I'm analytical and I wanted to learn why people are the way they are. I wanted to learn why I was the way I was.
With Emily now in our lives I thought a lot about being a stay at home mom vs. a working mom. Both have their pros and cons. I want the best of both worlds. Right now, I want to be with my daughter all the time AND I want a career and set a good example for my children. Not just a job, but a career. I've always had moments throughout my twenties questioning my job at the time and why I was so unhappy at times. Now at thirty, I still question if my current job is what I want to do forever. Am I really passionate about it? I want to do something I LOVE and something I'm good at that pays me. Doesn't everybody? I've been making my own money since I was eighteen years old and the thought of not bringing home a paycheck makes me nervous as heck! Will I feel less than my husband for not making a financial contribution to my family? Will I feel guilty when I buy something for myself? Will I ever have my dream job, whatever that may be? Is my dream job to be a great stay at home mom? So many questions and I guess I'll have to stay tuned to find out.
Now I love Fridays because Hubby is home most of the weekend and I'm not alone all day. Emily has been cranky since 4AM this morning because of bad gas. You'd think your little baby's farts would smell like heavenly roses but nope! Take cover because her farts this morning were on another level.
Starting this week, Emily has been falling asleep better and sleeping longer at night. It feels like she knows it's night time now and it sort of clicked. She has been going to bed around 8-9:30PM and wakes up around 2:30-4AM for her middle of the night feeding. She is sleeping through the 12-1AM feeding time.
Our schedule these days:
6-8AM: Wake up
8AM: Playtime: Various activities. She'll sit in her swing (which she loves) babbling and grunting while she stares at the mobile and her relfection or she'll gaze outside and look at the trees. I hold her sitting up in my lap and she studies my face while following my gaze. This is when I can get a smile out of her every now and then and I'm constantly trying to snap a good picture of it. Talk about stalkerazzi mommy! Sometimes she's fussy and wants to be held while she practices holding her head up and looks around. And ofcourse, tummy time!
9AM: Feed (Breastfeeding and 4oz)
10AM: Playtime
11AM: Daddy puts her down for her mid morning nap before he goes to work. This nap ranges anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours and I'll feed her if she wakes up hungry.
2PM: Feed
3PM: Playtime
4PM: Nap (20 minutes to 1 hour)
5PM: Feed
6PM: Playtime
7PM: Bath (every other day) or a nap sometimes
8PM: Feed
8:30-9PM: Daddy comes home! Bedtime
2:30-4AM: Feed and back to bed
6-8AM: Wake up and repeat
This schedule isn't set in stone and some days it's completely off but I try to stick to it as much as possible. Somedays she is a good sleeper and her naps will be very long and somedays she is fussy all day which throws things off. For the most part, it's pretty basic: Feed her when she's hungry, put her to sleep when she's sleepy. I'm getting better at not trying to feed her every time she cries because then she overeats and it leads to cleaning up baby barf. Oh, and somewhere in between all this I try to clean, wash her bottles, pump, eat, play with the dogs and pee.
Yesterday I got sucked into watching video after video of laughing babies on YouTube. It's so addicting!! A baby's laughter is like music to my ears.
On Tuesday night, Emily slept from 9:30PM-4:30AM. SEVEN straight hours. I jumped awake at 3AM to check if she was still breathing. Then I watched her sleep for three minutes making sure her chest was rising and falling. Oh the first time mom jitters!! It's a given that I'm anxious about my baby's well being but sometimes my anxiety is on steroids. The first night I got deep sleep after Emily was born I woke up in a panic because I thought I slept through her crying.
I attempted the SNS again since Emily has been latching so well. It was going great until the flow was too strong towards the end and she threw up all over my left boob. My poor baby! Even covered in throw up, my baby is still cute as a button! Stinky, but cute.
Hubby is great at putting Emily to sleep with his SHHHHHHing. She seems to sleep better and longer when daddy puts her down for a nap. During her mid-morning nap today, I decided to be brave and take a shower. I remember my mommy friends telling me how nervous they were to take a shower while their babies were napping and I thought, "Why? They're sleeping! It's just a quick shower! Don't be such a worry wart." Well...I take it back. I stared at my sleeping angel who was in deep sleep and contemplated if I should or should not. I left the door open and took the shortest and quietest shower ever. By quiet, I mean low water pressure with very minimal splashing. I thought I heard her crying so I ran out and she was fine. Successful first shower except for the trail of wet carpet from the bathroom to her pack and play.
We're starting to get better at distinguishing between Emily's different cries. Sometimes she'll just cry/whimper because she's fussy and I've become better at accepting it and letting her be so she can learn to self soothe. It's still hard for me to let her cry for more than ten minutes though because I'd rather stick a pencil in my ear than hear her screaming. It makes me sad when she's unhappy. Keeping calm when my baby cries = still a work in progess!
We had our first family outing this past Friday. We took Emily to meet friends for dinner at Korean BBQ. I was a little hesitant at first because I didn't know how she was going to react to being out for so long. She slept the entire time like a good baby and we were able to enjoy dinner. Emily and her carseat smelled like Korean BBQ all of the next day, haha.
Today we went out for a walk with the girls and I decided to attempt a trip to the market afterwards. I didn't get a chance to go grocery shopping alone this weekend and the kitchen is starting to go bare again. My mom cooks food for me when she comes once a week but it goes fast. Emily was still asleep from the walk so I was able to get some groceries. The car ride always soothes her so that's a big plus.
The carseat took up the entire cart so I was only able to get a few things
I recently discovered and ordered, "The Happiest Baby on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. He has a five S method. I tried it this weekend and MAGIC!! I've been doing a lot of SHHHHHHHing and it works wonders. Get your chapstick ready though because it sure does dry your lips out!
Breastfeeding is getting much, much better. Supply is still low but I can now comfortably breastfeed Emily for the first half of her feeding with the cradle hold. I was doing the football hold before because of the pain from my c-section but my neck and back were constantly hurting from hunching over and trying to get her to latch properly. I saw this cute and funny video on KellyMom and thought I'd share! The baby has a stuffy nose and thinks it's the funniest thing when he breathes! I hope I can keep up with the breastfeeding until Emily can enjoy it as well.
I bought the ERGO baby carrier this weekend. It has great reviews and I tested it for a few hours this weekend and no complaints so far but I'm still so indecisive. There are just TOO many choices for baby products out there! I wish the ERGO also allowed Emily to face out so she can explore while I'm carrying her.
Time has gone by both slow and fast, if that makes any sense. It was going at a snail's pace the first week at 3A.M. when Hubby and I were both frantic not knowing what to do with our crying baby (OK I was franctic). I remember thinking, "when will all this madness stop?" When I think about it at this very moment, a month has gone by fast. The first two weeks were hard. This 8 lb 11oz (now 11 lbs) human being was calling all the shots: when I sleep, when I can eat or when I can shower. She still does but it's getting better. I was hormonal, overwhelmed and scared as heck. What did I sign up for? Is this what I really wanted? I remember looking at my body the first time after having Emily and thinking, "OH MY GOSH, WHAT HAPPENED?!" It was a brief moment of hysteria followed by a moment of mourning for my former body. By no means did I have a bangin' body before pregnancy but I knew it was never going to be the same and it was going to take hard work to get back to feeling like myself again.
Staying at home with Emily this month has had its up and downs. The ups totally outweigh the downs ofcourse, but they're still there. I still feel lonely at times and overwhelmed every now and then. I always question my decisions and am constantly on google or thebump to make sure I did it right or what other moms have done. This week I was starting to get stressed because Emily hadn't pooped since Monday. She was farting up a storm and giving me false alarms, but no poop. I was constantly online and ready to ask her pediatrician this morning when at 1A.M. she woke me up with a surprise! How can a little person produce so much poop?! It took four diapers for her to finish... FOUR! I was sleep deprived, my hands were covered with poop and I was ready to cry until she grinned the biggest smile of relief when she was done which made me laugh out loud and melted my heart at the same time.
I'm also working on not beating myself up for things that don't get done around the house. The cleaning will have to wait and the dishes will have to pile up. And sadly, the dogs will have to cry a little bit while I spend my time trying to get Emily to sleep. I hate the feeling of neglecting them but I guess it's practice for when I have to divide my attention between Emily and our next child. I'm also trying to be less frantic when I'm alone with her. I've already taken her out bymyself and I'm really proud of that because I thought I'd be a nervous wreck without Hubby just in case Emily went into full meltdown mode. My body is slowly adjusting to the no sleep schedule and I enjoy being able to take time for myself every now and then to browse the aisles of Babies R Us (my new second home) or anywhere that allows me an hour of quiet time. It doesn't make me feel selfish anymore that I need time to myself to unwind. Happy mommy = happy baby.
I started reading, "I was a good mom before I had kids" last night and I was LAUGHING OUT LOUD, nodding my head in agreement and falling in love with the book and I'm only a month in as a first time mom! I miss having control over my day and miss lazy days of doing absolutely nothing in my pajamas but I know that time will fly by even faster and eventually the hardest nights of being a new parent will become the sweetest memory. It's been a tough but GREAT month and I'm looking forward to what's ahead!
Sweet Memories
Squishy Cheeks!!!!
First shopping trip at Target with just Mommy: lasted 7 minutes
