These are some of the acronyms that you pick up on after countless visits and posts to baby and pregnancy related sites. These women speak in code. I'm very familiar with this because I've gone through the TTC journey. I've been wanting to write about my TTC story but put it off until today when I saw this picture speculating that Kate Middleton is pregnant.
I've always wanted to have children since I can remember. I've been watching TLC's "A Baby Story" since high school wishing that someday I could experience the miracle of childbirth. I love babies!
Hubby and I got married on May 16, 2009. I found out I was pregnant on May 13, 2011. In the following months after we got married, I began to secretly hope for a missed period followed by a positive pregnancy test. Date nights + no protection = pregnancy. Simple right? Not for some, including me. Each month my hopes would be up at the slightest headache, fatigue or phantom nausea. I would hope and hope (and then hope some more). Each pregnancy test brought three minutes of possibilties and wishful thinking until the harsh "NOT pregnant" took those possibilites away. To the makers of ClearBlue Easy and First Response: you're welcome. After the first year of marriage I started to wonder why I wasn't able to get pregnant when I was trying so hard. Friends were announcing their pregnancies left and right and it seemed everyone was, "POOF" with child at the drop of a hat.
Just relax and it'll happen. Have fun trying. When are you having kids?
These are some of the worst things you can say to someone who is stuggling to conceive. I know there was no ill will behind it and everyone meant well but everytime the subject came up, my heart broke a little.
I was told that if you don't get pregnant after a year of trying, fertility treatment options should be considered. We began our first steps in seeking fertility treatment at Kaiser around August of 2010, if I remember correctly. Before that I was drinking smelly herbal teas that my in laws sent from Denver. We both had the required preliminary tests done and everything came back normal. We were in the small category of "unexplained infertility." There's nothing more unnerving than the absence of a definite explanation to why I wasn't able to get pregnant. "We don't know" or "just because" weren't good enough for me. Our doctor at the time suggested we try the fertility drug clomid for a few cycles. Great! Bring it on! I'm READY! Did you know you can't take clomid if you have an ovarian cyst? YUP, that's right. Before the first round of clomid our doctor ordered an ultrasound and low and behold there was a big fat cyst on my left ovary. Another disappointment. I always imagined my first ultrasound would be to hear my baby's heartbeat but as it turns out, it was to point out yet another roadblock on my path to motherhood.
I was given three choices regarding the cyst: aspiration, birth control in hopes that it would help shrink and eliminate it or leave it alone and keep trying to conceive naturally. I chose the third option. Aspirating it seemed too scary, taking birth control at this point seemed ironically cruel and so the third option was the best option. And so life went on without a definite answer. It started to consume every part of me in all aspects of my life.
I didn't share my struggles with a lot of people. I only told a few close friends and at times I felt so lonely, so disappointed and so hopeless. It helped to read about the struggles of women online (there are a lot out there) and in that sense you find comfort knowing you're not alone but infertility isn't a club you're thrilled to be a part of. I became obsessed with researching anything and everything related to infertility. I began tracking my cycles, using ovulation sticks and generally acting like a crazy person. There's an inside joke that a woman desperately TTC can tell you her basal body temperature and the texture of her cervical mucus at any given moment. Crazy right???
In March 2011 we made an appointment with Pacific Reproductive Center. I told the doctor about my current situation and the game plan was to do an ultrasound to check the cyst, discuss options to eliminate it and then start with a couple rounds of clomid. We decided to commit again in May. We took the month of April to chill out. It was Hubby's 30th birthday so I concentrated on that and just decided to put my mind off trying to get pregnant until the next month.
The week before May 13, I was waking up every morning at 5:00AM on the dot to use the bathroom and remember thinking I should stop drinking so much water before bed. On Friday the 13th at 5:00AM I took a pregnancy test for the heck of it. By now, I was so used to getting negatives that I didn't put much thought into it. Before I tossed it in the trash I saw a very faint second line. In that single moment it felt like I had drank ten red bulls all at once. I woke up Hubby to show him but he said we shouldn't get our hopes up just yet. I went to work and wrote an email to the nurse at Pacific Reproductive Center telling her that I thought I saw a second line on my pregnancy test and that I was probably a few days late. She emailed me back right away and asked me to come in for a blood test whenever I had the time. I immediately asked my boss if I could take an early lunch and literally flew to have my blood drawn. The nurse told me she'd call with the results by 3PM that afternoon.
The time couldn't have gone by any slower. I couldn't concentrate, I didn't want to leave my desk for even a second and I was extremely anxious to say the least. At 1PM my cell phone rang and it was the nurse. I jumped up, shut my door and prepared for the worst. This was all in my head and now I was going to have to endure someone telling me that I was, in fact, not pregnant. When I answered she didn't sound excited, so I instantly felt incredibly sad that she was calling to confirm my suspicions. She continued to tell me, in her very monotone voice, the level of HCG in my blood and I asked what that number meant. All of a sudden she burst out excitedly, "congratulations, you're pregnant!" I literally yelled, "are you serious?!" and started crying. I also thanked her profusely as if my pregnancy was her idea. She told me it was still very early and that I should come in for an ultrasound the following week. I relished this amazing secret for all of two seconds before I immediately called Hubby and told him the news while choking back sobs of happy tears. I always imagined I'd tell Hubby the good news in a dramatic way but I just couldn't wait. In the following hour we called both our parents and both moms burst into tears also. I literally couldn't believe it finally happened and it was all so surreal. Even throughout my entire pregnancy and all the ultrasounds, it still seemed surreal until 9:15PM on January 24 when I heard Emily cry for the first time as she took her first breath.
I started this blog when I found out I was pregnant to document this journey and now it has become Emily's virtual baby book as well.
I've been given this very precious gift and I am truly thankful for my experiences. I feel humbled by my struggles and it has taught me patience and to savor every second with Emily. As cliche as it sounds, everything does happen for a reason. I wasn't able to appreciate that during my sad moments. It took me a long time to trust that things will happen when they will happen. I haven't forgotten my darkest hours and I remember how blessed I am when I find myself frustrated and exhausted. I have an amazing, supportive husband and now a beautiful daughter who brings me so much joy and for that I am so grateful.
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